So Alive
by naybaybay
Summary: Johanna Beckett's legacy is remembered at the benefit Castle arranged, secrets come out, and it gets explosive. Set around 4x23. This could possibly be a sequel to "In his own time" - if you wanted it to be :-


Hey-lo again my fwiends!

So, I wrote this because I just keep bloody waking up and creating stuff like it in my head. So I needed a creative outlet and this was it. Well actually, if I'm being honest here, usually the first plots that occur to me in the early hours of the morning, involve less clothes...

After watching tonight's episode, I feel our lovebirds will probably be on a more happy footing with each other by the time the finale rolls around, but I wrote this before I saw it, so yeah :-)

Ok-ey, well here it is, I hope you enjoy it!

DISCLAIMER: As a famous billboard for Tui beer says here in NZ ...Yeah, right.

Castle stood against a large steel post, twiddling with his phone, masterfully keeping one eye on it and one eye on the crowd.

Beckett strolled casually into the room; at least that's the way the rest of the people in it, would perceive her entrance. Castle however, felt her presence before he even saw her.

The way her hair fell on her shoulders, the dress of brilliant indigo that she wore... the smile that dressed her face, full of hesitance and happiness all at once. It made Castle feel things... things he didn't want to feel when he was supposed to be angry with her, when she'd so easily deceived him, and made him feel cheated.

He wanted to feel nothing for her.

But he was failing.

"Hi Castle", her soft, pleasant voice greeted him. His eyes remained fixed to his phone for a moment, trying to convey to her - and to himself - that he held no special interest in her, at least, no more than he did any other of the people who he based his characters on.

"Beckett. Good turn out", he offered her a plastic smile as he motioned around the room with his eyes.

Beckett smiled a little more. "Yeah it's amazing. My Mom would have just..." she paused when she saw him take interest in his phone again.

She swallowed and took a brave step in his direction. "Castle, I don't know how to thank you for... all of this."

Castle looked up from his phone but his body twitched and his eyes refused to meet hers. He inhaled deeply and shrugged nonchalantly. "It seemed like the right thing to do."

Beckett frowned, she hadn't missed the use of past tense in his sentiment. There were a lot of things that _used_ to be right, and now they weren't.

She wished desperately to know why.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming this evening", the amplified voice of the Mayor filled the room.

When the room stilled, Mayor Weldon continued. "Tonight, we precipitate the lives of a special group of young people, and we celebrate the life of a very special woman."

Beckett pursed her lips in a shaky, sideways smile, and bowed her head in what Castle could only identify as, respect for the dead.

"Johanna Beckett, was a woman of many attributes and steadfast ideals. A mother, a wife, a lawyer, equally passionate about them all. She lead a life of justice and she championed those who wished to tarry along the same road."

Beckett leaned into Castle's space to whisper to him. "The speech is very profound."

He glared at her, the lilt in her tone suggested she was teasing him, it wasn't until after she spoke a second time, he clarified her appreciation. "Thank you for writing it, Castle. My Mom would have been so happy." She paused for several moments, bowing her head again, before looking back up, making sure it was directly into his eyes this time. "I'm happy. For the first time in... so long. I am truly happy." Her eyes held a strong assurance. "Thank you Rick."

Castle could feel himself being sucked in again. NO! His brain shouted, while his heart begged him YES! He trembled on the spot for a moment, before doing what he thought was best. "Well, at least _you're_ happy", he said, sounding emotionless, apart from the stress he put on the one word. He turned away from her and stumbled through the crowd of people, and out of sight.

If the benefit had been for anything else, Beckett would have followed him. But as it happened, this particular benefit was for her mother, and Beckett had made a pact with herself that she would give everything she had to this one night, and then, she would give everything she had, to anything but.

It was time to let go.

"I am pleased and proud to announce the first recipient of the Johanna Beckett award for promising young lawyers with a vision for justice... wow, that's a mouthful", Weldon joked, making the audience laugh animatedly along with him.

...

The rest of the night was a blur to Beckett. At one point, she knew she was supposed to make a speech, but the majority of said speech contained references to a man who was no longer in the room. It would be an utter embarrassment to single out someone who wasn't even present.

Beckett excused herself from her conversation with an over-garnished elderly woman and sat her glass of wine down on the tray of a passing waiter.

She walked purposefully through the main hall of the gallery, in which the benefit was being held. Rounding the corner, she saw a sign which featured a highly stereotyped stick figured man and woman, which signified the bathrooms were here. Other than that, the hall lead to a door marked "exit".

Worse case scenario, he'd left. Gone out the exit and deserted her, finished with her and her mother and the benefit and all of the drama that Kate Beckett came with. Perhaps never to return. Beckett felt quite confident that this was the case.

Until she heard a silvery voice that was unmistakably his.

The voice became clearer and Beckett could identify the words. She couldn't see him, but she could tell that he was on the phone.

"Yes, I know mother. I just..." Castle sighed. "I know, I know and you were right, I can't just flick a switch, I can't be near her and pretend I don't still..."

Beckett's breath caught in her throat as she eavesdropped through the bathroom door.

"I need to leave, get away from her. It's the only way I'm ever going to get over her."

Beckett's heart dropped in fear and dread. Why would he want to get over her? She'd been working so hard to be ready for him, and on the very night she was ready, he was going to declare that he no longer was.

That SO would not do.

Beckett pushed the door of the bathroom open forcefully and instantly saw his face go pale with shock. The phone slipped from his hand and he juggled to catch it. "B-Beckett. What are you doing in here? This is the men's."

"We have got to talk, Castle", she glanced at the phone. "Now."

Castle lifted the phone slowly to his ear, all the while, keeping his stupefied eyes fixed on Beckett's determined face. "Ah mother... yeah, you heard. I'll call you later."

Castle turned his phone off and pocketed it before addressing Beckett shortly. "Right, OK, you wanted to talk... So talk. Tell me things I don't know, because something tells me I need to hear them."

Beckett's brow furrowed at his tone. "First I want to know what your problem is."

Castle gave her a thoughtful stare. "Think about the things you want to tell me, think about _any_ little secrets you've been harboring and then you deduce what my "problem" is."

Beckett's jaw shook as she fought to maintain control of it. She wouldn't cry. She would not cry.

"Oh God", she took a step back and crumpled into the bathroom wall.

Castle averted his eyes from her, if he watched her like this, his instant response would be to console her. It would be sort of crass if he comforted her because she was feeling guilty for hurting him.

"Got it, have you?" Castle apathetic voice echoed slightly against the bare walls and floor.

"Castle, I... It was that kid wasn't it? I was questioning him about the bombing case and it just, it just seemed like the right thing to say. They train us to feed them stuff, try to show them we relate to their situation in some way, get into their heads a little, just, make up stories that are kind of-"

"Right! So why didn't you make up a story? It's not that hard, I do it all the time!" Castle's sarcastic, raised voice startled Beckett.

She pushed herself off the wall and shot him a hurt and confused look. "Well, I'm sorry I'm not a best selling author!"

Castle strolled quickly over to her. "That was our story Beckett. That was OUR secret. Fine, you kept it from me all this time and that was damn cruel, but telling it to someone else first? Do you know how freaking much that KILLS me?"

Beckett gasped, she'd never felt intimidated by him, and now she could collapse from the anxiety of him hovering over her. Tears dripped from her face as she grappled with the right response.

BOOM!

She wasn't given the chance anyway.

An explosion of heat and noise rippled through the gallery, blasting the door off its hinges.

Instinctively, Castle pulled Beckett to the floor with him, but the door flew fast and hit her in the side of the head, knocking her unconscious.

...

When Beckett awoke, she was lying on the floor of the men's bathroom, Castle was hovering above her, talking on the phone, speaking as animatedly as Weldon had been earlier.

Speaking of...

"Weldon's dead", she heard Castle's weak voice say. "No, nobody else, but there are injuries, mostly just bruising and- Kate!" He ducked down to help her up, as soon as he spotted her struggling to rise.

"Yeah, she's awake, she's... really awake- Kate, settle down", Castle held her arm tight as she tried to stand up, every part of her body shaking.

"Yeah, yeah I better go. How long until you guys get here? Alright see you in ten. Bye Ryan."

Castle disconnected the call and turned his full attention back to Beckett who was squirming beneath him, questions bubbling in her eyes.

"Cas-Castle what-what the hell happened?"

Castle placed a hand on the small of her back, holding her up in her dazed state. "There was an explosion out in the main gallery. Weldon's...Weldon's dead. Seems the bomb was centralized, everyone else was caught by the outer shock waves", Castle spluttered, he was shaking almost as badly as her.

"How long was I out?" Beckett breathed.

"Couple of minutes", Castle told her as he lifted her face with his soft hand, it for cuts.

Beckett raised her hand to cover his. "Castle... Castle, I was supposed to be speaking when the bomb went off- I-I was supposed to invite you up on stage to be with me, we were going to do a reading for my mom, it was in the program... Castle, that bomb was meant for me, I know it was."

Castle shook his head, he couldn't deny it, but he had a slight correction to make. "Not you Kate. Us."

Beckett's hand dropped from his. "What do you mean? Why would someone be after you?"

Castle closed his eyes and sighed. "I've been in communication with a man. I don't know exactly who he is but he has been warning me about the people who shot you, they're still after you and if you don't stop working on your mom's case... well, I guess they were making a statement by attacking tonight", he looked at Beckett imploringly. "Kate, this has to be it, it has to stop here, They will kill you Kate, you know they w-"

Beckett stopped his rapid lips by placing her thumb over them. She wrapped her fingers around his cheek and softly stroked his lips with the pad of her thumb. "Castle, stop talking. Just stop."

She felt as his breath hitched in his throat.

"It is stopping here. It's stopping tonight, I promise you Castle, I'm done. When I had counseling all those years ago to try and move on from my mom's murder, it didn't work because I had no one to be moving on with... Now I do."

Castle stopped breathing for a moment, which didn't go unnoticed by Beckett. "At least I hope I do", she said with an obvious pleading in her voice.

Castle licked his lips, where Beckett's thumb still lay, they both jumped as his tongue came into contact with it. Beckett's fingers fumbled along his jaw but reclaimed their place swiftly. If she was going to do this, she needed to do it with her whole self.

"You lied to me Beckett", He said throatily.

"Yeah and you lied to me", Beckett reminded him lightly.

Castle sighed. "I did it to protect you. Everything I do is to protect people. The case with Weldon this year, I did everything I could to protect him, and now... now he's dead", his eyes became red as he struggled to hold back the fruits of his emotion. "I don't want that to be the story of you and I. I need you to live. I need you Kate."

Beckett pursed her lips. "I'm sorry Castle, I shouldn't have kept it from you. What you told me in the cemetery was so much to take in and I didn't know how to process it."

"And now?" Castle pressed, his voice was thick with emotion, but it held a hint of hope in it.

Beckett's lip curled slightly upward on the side. "I need you too, Rick. I need you."

Her thumb to guide her, Beckett closed her eyes and leaned in to touch her lips gently to his. They ghosted past them and then moved to kiss his cheek.

"Am I alive? Or Is this heaven?" Castle breathed in disbelief

Beckett chuckled lightly against his neck and then sighed. "I'm sorry about the Mayor, Rick."

"Thank you Kate."

Beckett kissed him once on the neck and then lifted her head to give him a sad smile. She moved her hand to his shoulder and patted him lightly there. "Come on, we've got to go and help the people out there."

Castle grabbed her arms. "Kate, Kate, there are actual trained medical pros out there. You're the one who should be resting, and although I haven't been to medical school, I think I'm the person most qualified to take care of you."

Beckett's smile widened. "Agreed." She shook her head softly. "I'm so glad we're both alive."

The spark that had featured in his eyes a few weeks ago, but had been slowly dissipating over the last little while, was back in full force. Bright and emotional.

"You know they say that those who live without love are not alive at all", he told her, his voice light and playful, with just a pinch of serious.

Beckett's eyes lit up to match his, as they meet in an intense gaze. "Again, agreed."

Castle's hand reached around to take her wrist softly in his hand, placing a gentle kiss on it. "And you did say you were glad that we are _both_ alive."

Beckett's mouth twisted cutely. "Mm."

"You know I love you." Castle whispered tenderly to her. "You make me feel alive Kate. No one has ever made me feel as alive as you have."

Castle's brow raised as Beckett flushed slightly. "So the only question left now is... are you just living, or are you _alive_?"

Kate nodded her head knowing the question he was really asking. "I'm alive with you, Rick. I am SO alive with you."


End file.
